among many things that i learnt from my dad, one thing that i was very proud of was his expression of love.
i emulated that for my first love but unfortunately it did not work out and its okay. i thought i lost it after that - hence was. but, of late, i have noticed that those ways-of-love never left me - just got buried deep within me, patiently waiting for me to be ready again.
at last, i think i am ready again.
love for me is thinking for immediate future. predicting/understanding/fullfilling the behaviors/actions/needs-and-demands of the person who i love is the expression of love for me. thinking far ahead in future is counterproductive. but thinking just so ahead that i can anticipate and respond accordingly is love in the highest form for me. this is fueled intensively by the desire/wish to make both of our lives better.
my dad did that. he did that a lot when we were kids. there are a lot of instances but if i start enumerating them, it won’t do justice because the list just will not be exhaustive and hence only be sub-par.
another thing i am most grateful to my dad was the patience he took in answering all my questions. i have always been a very curious person. if i can have only one goal in my life, that would be to know everything. i want to dissect/decompose/analyze/recreate-in-mind every machine/phenomena around me. i want to understand everything and internalize everything. it is a pleasure for me. it is how i express love.
to understand something/someone is to love it/them.
humans are no different. everyone has an unique personality, identity, ego and whatever-makes-them-them. i want to understand them. analyze them. know what they think, how they think, why they think whatever they think. i am selfish that i define my expression of love as above and derive my pleasure by understanding others. i fail to understand why this is bad and makes me judgemental. scientists do that with phenomena. they make models and predictions, test the models, and improve the models. every human is a model since every human responds-reacts differently to different stimuli.
not knowing you sucks. not knowing something sucks. not knowing everything sucks. if i don’t know you, i can’t love you. the more i know you, the more i love you.