I am afraid I am not going to reply back to your email. But, I am still writing this so that if and when our paths cross again, and you ask me why I hadn’t replied back; I could show you this and you would exactly know how I felt (and not what I remember of this then).
You do not know how ecstatic your email made me. I just could not believe it. An email. That too from you. I refreshed twice just to confirm and check if my eyes were deceiving me. After our last encounter, I had lost all hopes of ever hearing from you. I thought you hated me (maybe you still do?); Not normal hatred but hardcore i-don’t-care-anything-about-you types (and why wouldn’t I). I was always so sad that all the memories/support/stuff we had just vanished.
But your last email reassured me that is not the case. I am relieved. I would like to believe that we had many good times and some bad times (or maybe its other way around?). I know, for sure with no doubt, that you had a great impact on my life. You were there for me when I really needed. Your hatred and anger towards me made me sad that you do not see everything that was between us the same way I see it. But you talked with me, after all this time. I am glad. I am honestly at peace with everything between us.
I have a confession. I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t want an email from you. I would always check that inbox not too often or too late. I would wish for an email from you, muster up courage to write one myself but stop because I know you would hate it. It happened every now and then but those thoughts gradually became less recurring.
You know I wagered all of my ego for you that time and I would still do the same. As much as I want to reply, I don’t think I am going to. How can I reply back in the thread whose subject reads “last email”. I feel I would be betraying the past-me, past-you and current-you. I hope you do not call me selfish for this. I most dearly hope that you don’t think I am angry/mad at you and that is why I am not replying back.
It just feels like things, if left unsaid at this point, make a bittersweet/smooth/sunset-type ending to our story. I like this ending. I have a feeling you would do. If and when our paths cross and you hate me more for not replying, I hope you forgive me.
Anyway, here’s a funny anecdote from that email exchange: Turns out having blind faith in Google Translate is a big mistake. The name of the title does not mean closure but actually means farmer. Google Translate shows agricola is farmer when under Latin to English, and also shows closure is agricola under English to Latin. Oh well. This is what I get for trying to use something I do not know.